I’m a billionaire!

Watch out for me! I have just been contacted by Forbes to confirm if indeed I am now a billionaire. I replied in the affirmative with as much indignation as befits my new status as the latest billionaire in Nigeria. Please get yourself the Forbes publication for February 2010, you will see me displace Alhaji AlikoDee as the wealthiest Nigerian – officially.

I am not kidding for those of you sceptics reading this. I have just placed an order for 2 business jets, one each from Dassault and Gulfstream. They both set me back a total of $115million – cash. Not bad expenditure and they are firmly in line with my new status.

I have also bought a house in Epping Forest and a pent house in New York. I am finalising the purchase of a private ski resort in Switzerland; nothing but the best would do for me! In the course of these miserly acquisitions, I suspect I was swindled of about £3million by the purchasing agents, but who cares? If NICON does, I do not. I am vain of course, and I am not ashamed to let you know of my vanity.

My friends have of course trebled in number. My rolodex has the contact details of every carpet bagger – male and female – from Vancouver to Vladivostok. I am almost tempted to start living like a hip-hop star, but the lifestyle is somewhat too crass for my taste. Why roll with ghetto tarts when I can have $10,000 / night escorts?

And lest I forget, I am booked for the second round of tummy tuck operations in Germany later this week. It is not exactly becoming to bandy a millionaire’s pot belly around.

Of course, I have grown quite intellectually flabby, so I can not think of more creative ways of enjoying my wealth and now I am in need of business ideas so as not to fritter the money away. But I doubt I can exhaust the billions in a lifetime. Seriously, can someone else give me an idea? There is a healthy compensation for those who can come up with innovative businesses for me.

Some of the ideas that my friends have suggested turned out to be hair-brained. For instance I just bought a castle in Scotland for instance and the adjoining lands with the intention of turning it into a 36-hole golf course! I had finished the purchase, when I heard there is something called a planning permission, which prevents me from turning the wooded land into a golf course! And the planning officials would not be settled! That is almost $50million spent on some derelict castle. I just might turn it into a holiday home after all. But I need ideas.

I am sure my old friends who have not been in continuous contact with me for some years would be wondering where I got all this money from. I can let you into the secret; it is an open one after all. My boss is sick! He has some obscure ailment called Chucky Sandra syndrome or something of that nature. I am not really interested in the name of the disease, but I am still thankful for it. You see, my colleagues and I have taken time out to help ourselves to the treasury! It is a kleptocracy after all and in the absence of the most senior kleptocrat, I have simply helped myself to my share of the loot.

Carry go! Abeg, business ideas anyone?

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