A call for contractual colonisation

Mr. Prime Minister and the honourable members of the parliament,

I am here to make a straight-faced request to the United Kingdom Parliament for the re-colonisation of Nigeria, and that urgently. Before my request is thrown out as the mere rantings of a derelict mind, please hear me out. This is a fairly lengthy treatise, which may task your patience, but it is worth hearing.

A basic definition of colonisation is the imposition of the sovereignity of a country on an erstwhile independent political entity, with the resultant forfeiture of the sovereign rights of the latter. By extension, the subjugated entity becomes an integral – if arguably inferior – extension of the former. My request that Nigeria be recolonised is premised on the underlisted benefits to both the United Kingdom and Nigeria.

Benefits to the UK Government

Urgent need to forestall humanitarian disasters

It has been argued that Nigeria’s success is strategically important to the Anglo-Saxon Western world. I disagree with this assertion almost in its entirety. Nigeria is hardly as success, however one may choose to twist the definition of sucess. Nigeria has not been a success for almost 50 years and no Western nation has wobbled because of this.

On the other hand, the impact of the total failure of this drunken behemoth, I believe, is grossly under-stated. With a population that dwarfs that of Egypt and South Africa combined, any population displacement which may arise from total state failure would have dire consequences. I realise with the exception of Shell and Cadbury, there is hardly anything in Nigeria which the UK government would call corporate vested interest. Conversely however, there are other Anglophone or Anglophile countries around Nigeria which have better relationships with the UK, and which would be affected by such displacements.

To quantify this, a 15% population shift would mean about 20 million Nigerians would be seeking refuge in neighbouring countries. That is more than the combined population of the next two countries to her west – Benin Republic and Togo. That is roughly the population of Ghana, 300km away from the western border of Nigeria. I would place a wager, that should there be a Nigerian refugee crisis and any elections held in those regions, a Nigerian would end up ruling Benin, Togo and Ghana! I am sure even you with your studied indifference would not want PDP ruling in those countries.

Add to this the unspecified number of Nigerians who hold British citizenships or residency permit of one category or another but who currently live in Nigeria. Any influx of such people into the UK would turn Irish people who live in England into a white minority. I leave you to imagine the added impact of those who would also make their way to the UK to seek assylum. I do not know of what would hasten the BNP’s march to the seat in 10 Downing other than this.

So, colonise Nigeria and clip the BNP wings.

You think Somali pirates are bad news? Wait until a Nigerian crisis crystallises and creates Egbesu pirates. You may kiss Guinea-Bissau and Sao-Tome & Principe good-bye. You may also want to devise alternative shipping routes that do not bring you near the Gulf of Guinea. There virtually goes a significant slice of your Europe/Indian Ocean trade. Knowing the Nigerian penchant for over-doing things, do not be surprised if the Nigerian Navy joins in the jamboree.

Stable access to resources to bolster and support the UK’s industries and homes.

I would be blatant about this, Nigeria has more gas resources than her current leaders have brains or guts to harness. Nigerians don’t need gas-heated homes, the UK does. Bar the manufacturing sector (which is currently comatose) and domestic cooking, the energy needs of the country are not very great.

Colonising Nigeria again would resolve all of the UK’s energy needs. In fact, you may call the bluff of the Scottish National Party and let Scotland secede with her oil and gas reserves. Nigeria’s offshore reserves are not even fully assessed yet.

A caveat is required here though. An industrial development plan has to be devised and implemented which would also help the development of manufacturing in Nigeria. We however agree that this development can be capped at such levels that would always guarantee UK industries access to 40% of the energy resources in Nigeria. A corollary to this is that 60% of the energy resources would be used to develop Nigeria during this re-colonisation phase.

Stemming and ultimately reversing UK immigration

The very uninformed view of the right-wing in UK politics is that immigrants are out to fleece the system. Let me take liberties here to speak on behalf of the Nigerian immigrant. The average Nigerian immigrant is usually a well educated individual who is looking for an environment where his talents can be put to maximum use and consequently be remunerated for it.

Against this backdrop, place this Nigerian in any English-speaking environment where he is not hampered and he would hardly know the difference, as long as he can still pursue his objectives. I said English-speaking environment, because like our erstwhile Anglo-Saxon colonial masters, we loathe to learn other languages.

I foresee therefore a situation where improved infra-structural facilities would be enough to dissuade all but the most dis-illussioned of “Andrews” from checking out of Nigeria. By the time colonisation brings improved civil policing practices to Nigeria, I can assure you, the Nigeria House on Northumberland Avenue would not be able to cope with the number of Nigerians applying for Nigerian passports to head back to Lagos. If they do not leave in summer, I can give you the assurance that a ferocious winter like this year’s (2009/2010) would convince the rest to hightail to warmer climes.

Again, that is another nail in the coffin of the BNP.

Restoration of the Empire
May I ask, of what use is an empire without subjects? Come on, let’s bring back the lost glory days of the Empire! Once again, you would have subjects standing in the scorching sun of the National Stadium Abuja to receive the Queen (or would it be Prince Charles?)

Benefits to Nigerians

Infrastructural development

To my Nigerian audience, please think about this. The last significant piece of work done on the rail network in Nigeria was done before independence in 1960. This network was put in place by the British Masters to facilitate the movement of groundnut and other produce from the North to the Southern port cities of Port Hacourt and Lagos.

That was done because of groundnuts aka peanuts! Think of what might have been put in place for the petroleum industry? I would bet there would have been no unrest in the Niger Delta!

Think of the electricity transmission and distribution network that could be in place if we take the national grid from the hands of NEPA/PHCN and give it to Britsh Gas or EDF? Femi Otedola might object to this, but I would simply ask him to use his billions to buy British Gas shares.

I can safely infer that Benin/Ore would cease to be the hell it is at the moment if handed over to the British Highway Maintenance Agency. I would admit, I do not expect the BHMA to turn the Benin/Sagamu road to another M1 but we can demand a better job of them than the Ministry of Works.

Improved quality of life

Dare I dream of an NHS-type health care system to replace the non-existent services provided by the Nigerian Ministry of Health at the moment? I do not see any harm in such hopes. I think though, the fear of dying from malaria would make our proposed colonial masters keen to eradicate malaria and other diseases which have been virtually eradicated in the Western world; something we have been unable to do for 50 years.

Restoration of national pride

You know there is something gratifying about being a citizen of a country where things work, even if you do not know how those things work. Ask the black South African or the redneck from some backwater part of the US south. Maybe we, as Nigerians can gain some of that sense of national belonging which is not indexed against an accusation of being terrorists or scammers once more.

The Boring Fine Prints

Unlike the first round of colonisation, the only thing we insist on for this requested phase of re-colonisation is the right as British-Nigerians to vote like any other Briton.

This is to serve as a check/balance against mis-rule. You can be sure if 140million people vote against you in the Parliamentary elections, it would take a re-colonisation of India to save you from defeat! It would also work in your favour, should we, British-Nigerians, vote for you.

Thank you for listening.

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