Saint Hitler of Abuja

Me: All hail the Saint Hitler!

Priest: Are you mad? Which Hitler?

Me: Father, I am not mad o! It is the same Adolf Hitler. We are having him cannonised.

Priest: I see you are truly insane. But for the fact that I know you are joking, I would kick you out of the chapel and have you excommunicated.

Me: Ah, ah, that is unduly harsh.

Priest: Unduly what? Now get out!

Me: You have not even heard me out. The Church is not the one to make him a saint.

Priest: So who? Now I see you are truly bereft of your senses.

Me: No, it is the Nigerian House of Representatives.

Priest: You are truly insane or the whole lot of them must be as mad as you are. What has gotten hold of your senses?

Me: Father, abeg leave that matter. I am sane and I can assure you, those 400 hard-working men and women who represent us at the Centre of Unity are equally sane. Did you not hear that they are passing a bill to immortalise members of the House?

Priest: I heard, something ridiculous I dare say. But even at that Hitler was never a member of the House.

Me: That is where you are wrong, Father.

Priest: And that is where you are mad!

Me: Father, let’s leave this insanity diagnosis for now. Hitler may have never been…
Priest (cuts in): Hitler WAS NEVER a member of the House.

Me: Okay, Hitler was never a member of the House, but his spirit lives there permanently.

Priest: When did you become an exorcist?

Me: Father, I have many talents o! Some that the Church may not approve of.

Priest: I see, maybe it’s time I really got you excommunicated.

Me: Father, if you keep interrupting, you will never get the gist of this matter.

Priest: Well, continue.

Me: You see, just when Hitler was going to commit suicide, he looked into the future using his crystal ball. And he saw that one of the countries which would embrace genocide like he did would be Nigeria.

Priest: You are truly past the point of no return. Do I start looking for a straitjacket?

Me: Listen now, abeg. So Hitler’s spirit simply moved to Abuja and hovered around the place till the Nigerian government moved there. Since then, he has taken hold of the minds of those ruling, which would explain the various Ogoni, Odi, Maitasine and Jos massacres.

Priest: I see.

Me: Well, I am happy you see the point. So the lawmakers have decided to invest Adolf Hitler as the Patron Saint of the Nigerian Government. In addition, they would up the scale of massacres that would take place across the country. You know just like Hitler wanted a pure Aryan race, they can only tolerate a pure political and religious class.

Priest: But they all do not have the same religious beliefs, so you are wrong.

Me: Father, you are the one who is wrong. They are sworn believers of the temple of corruption and violence. All other religious beliefs they profess are cloaks. Any way, back to my story. The cannonisation ceremony would also see certain individuals being honoured as Cardinals in the church of genocide. From what I understand, there are two governors on the list – the one in Plateau State and the one in Bauchi; though I can’t remember their names now. This is in addition to the senior members of the ruling clan.

Priest: You must be joking.

Me: Seriously, they even plan to rename the House of Assembly after Adolf Hitler. It would not be known as the A. Hitler Nigerian House of Assembly, with Saint Hitler’s statue replacing that statue of an arm outside the complex. Anyway Father, I am about to go an pick my back of Ghana-Must-Go from one Mr. Saburi who is paying me for publicising the ceremony.

Inspired by Seyi Osiyemi

“If our ‘rulers’ are not charged with ‘crimes against humanity’ at the International Criminal Court, then the United Nations must apologise to the families of Slobodan Milosevic, Radovan Kradizic, Saddam Hussein and Charles Taylor. And in fact Adolf Hilter should be immortalised!”


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